Not my horse…

“Not my horse, not my rodeo”, or “not my circus, not my monkeys”

Buckle up folks, because this is going to be a quite tangential passage.

People talk about a lot of things that they know nothing about. I know that while I don’t know everything, I’m also quick to check google and suggest that others do the same. But yesterday, I had a moment of pause because of this comment:

Now, normally, I am a person who would not only Google before I ask a question, I am also likely to internally have the thought that the respondent provided, essentially, “Google is a thing”. But this is an example of why kindness and grace are things we should and can exercise. I googled “GBS” and the first 10 or so entries are Guillain-Barré syndrome. Problem is, the original post was about Group B streptococcal infections. I rarely think about getting the wrong answer.

Now while I lots of commentary that is wrong, inflammatory and just plain mean spirited, I’ve also been on the interwebs long enough to know that often, those who are the most wrong are also the loudest. A mentor of mine once told me, “When you argue with a fool bystanders can’t tell who is who”. And I often reflect on that statement when I think about engaging folks on social media. And it seems that those who are the most loud and the most wrong have nothing but time on their hands to engage in verbal sparing.

One of the things currently in the zeitgeist is the conflict between cis and trans people, particularly women. There is argument from cid women that they don’t want to be labeled as cis, that we should just be women. Problem is, that as long as trans people are labeled as trans and not just their gender identity i.e. men or women (as opposed to trans men), there will also be cisgendered people. I know this is not without controversy, but as a cisgendered lesbian who also identifies masculine of center, I know it does not diminish my existence to be identified as cis as it does not make a person who’s transgender more.

Being identified as cis tells folks they you hold the same gender you were assigned at birth. Unless we have more than a cursory relationship, does it really matter to your life how I identify? But I’ve had enough conversations with people who are truly offended to be described as cisgendered and can’t/won’t/don’t make the connection that transgendered people don’t really want to be referred to as “trans” to know that it is often not a valuable use of my time.

This brings me to the next thought…

Circle of concern, circle of influence and circle of capacity

While it is in my circle of concern to want to educate others about gender identify, sexual orientation, etc, I am realistic about 2 things: my circle of influence and my circle of capacity.

I’m aware that the concept is circles of concern, influence and control. But I am realizing that it’s bigger than control, it’s also about capacity. I don’t know that I am always in control of my capacity. I can determine what I have bandwidth to do from the myriad list of things on my to do list, but some of those things are placed there from sources outside of my control.

Capacity is also about mental capacity. My mental health is as crucial as physical health for my long term wellbeing and I know that I have a low frustration tolerance when things don’t make sense to me or I’m. It able to logically present an argument and feel heard.

What it’s means is that I will not have charged conversations with strangers on the internet. I also won’t have charged exchanges online with people I know. I am more than willing to engage in real life conversations, provided resources, etc., but online…nope.

So, as time goes on, I’m recognizing that some things are not my horses and not my rodeo.